aaron: one final reflection. by daylightfading, literature
Literature
aaron: one final reflection.
I
you tell me you love me and
i'm shocked.
the quiet one?
across from me in 3rd period?
really?
charming.
flattering.
really... bizarre.
(funny how things happen.)
II
december twenty-seventh
two thousand and four:
And if it should be then it will be
And if it was then it would be
And it's not
And you're there.
I'm here.
Breaking and breaking and
Smoking
Crying
Sitting
In the snow.
Smoking
Like you never
Let me.
When I was yours.
And
Maybe I've always been
Breaking
But always hiding it
So NOW
Its real.
This is
Love
(cruel)
and Conor
play me your chords
cry
drink
cry
drink
feel
bleed all
This is to the one
That knows my demons.
The little soldier in cognito
Toilets, scales, calories
Face to face
Fought them all away
And sang me back to sleep.
And love.
This is to love.
On its most innocent day.
We stop to get something to drink,
My mind clouds and I can't think
Scared to death to say I love her
Love.
Before I slipped
So violently away
Into guilt
-betrayal
Before I fell apart
-broken
And oh God I love you,
I mean forever.
This is to ten long months
-Sharing breaths
-Sharing air
-Sharing life
-Sharing love
-Sharing beds
Sleeping so close
And "sweet dreams, I love you…"
And during those December nig
love dies, as love often does.
and weaklings scurry
whimping
tails between knees.
and here we are
like children
forcing puzzle pieces together
until they fold.
bend
break.
we know they don't quite fit
but
but
shouldn't they?
this is panic.
this is fucking desperation.
we hide in our distractions.
we sip our soup and we
eat our bread and we
say our prayers and we
get belligerant.
and lingering at these crossroads feels like a
black tie affair
scrambling to select the perfect words
to make things right
to make things work
to make each other feel better.
to make outselves feel better.
give up.
they
"Sprinkled in stardust" …?
excuse me?
…that's Love?
if you want to smother me with your
over-the-top
exhausted cliches of:
-skin like moonbeams
-touch of heaven
-eyes like starlight
[and insert in every piss-pretty whip of
celestial, metaphorical off-the-wall
buttered-up flash-trash nonsense]
…save your flattery.
i don't want to hear you voice.
don't show me glimmers of liquid-sparkle fractions in a
pretty boy's eyes.
(and don't, under any circumstances,
compare them to a star.)
ins
Seventeen years, Mommy
And if I learned anything you taught me, it's to
Holdon until my knuckles turned red
To the things that make me whole
Until it goes smash
Crash
And suddenly... it's gone
And i'm taken back to winter
Three years old
A pink nose and sparkly eyes and you
Laid me down in the soft blanket of white,
Pristine as my childish wonder,
And showed me how to
Move my arms
Then legs in nuison
And you called me Angel of the Snow
And we retired from our wonderland
Hand in hand.
Daddy built a fire and we
Stared at the dancing sparks as they
Sang out to us
And drip by drip
The snow melted as my dreams of the day
Eva
of sweat and butterflies by daylightfading, literature
Literature
of sweat and butterflies
I said I'd write you a poem
Maybe
tear out a bit of the love for you planted in my garden
Grip hard to the roots
(for of course – it grows still)
and
Give it a yank, you see
And stream it across these vague blue lines
so I could write with a stronger touch of
accuracy, of course. Honesty..
Like I could,
Maybe,
Collect the sweat you draw from my pores
Store it in my pen and shake well, naturally
Glide it like ink and let it draw a picture
An exact replica
if you will
Of each sweet breath massaging my lungs
as your fingertips trace my seams,
Each stitched up patch of my flawed white flesh
the bone in my hip,
the small of m
+++9:30 a.m. ramblings+++ by daylightfading, literature
Literature
+++9:30 a.m. ramblings+++
9:30 a.m. on a thursday
once again i find myself clutching my notebook with thoughts of you
mr. mystery, mr. shadowman
mr. come-over-me-and-set-me-on-fire
charming smiles and frequent "hello"s
hiding the dimensions and depths of old pain
who are you?
where do you go at night?
i'm lit up with the coldest visions
chilled cement floors and a bare-walled apartment
sip a beer and watch life float violently away
well slip me one of those TV dinners
slip me some of those secret dreams
sad eyes, what do you hide?
ten thousand tiny holes scattered throughout your life
i want to look through to the other side
so come a little closer -
Step inside me
Look around
Claim this broken
Heart you've found
From a nightmare
The prettiest dream
So beautiful
I want to scream
So evil that
You make me cry
Then smile and lick
My lashes dry
Cradle my body
Keep me warm
Throw me out
Into the storm
The perfect drug
You're all I need
Addicted to the way
You make me bleed
So used to this
Morbid lust
The only constant
It's all I trust
Step inside me
Look around
Shatter this broken
Heart you've found
Tears fall softly, drowning me
Heart breaks slowly, painfully
Turn my back as the last petal falls,
Memories haunting within these walls
Demons choking, crushing me
Panic grips my sanity
Telling myself lonely lies
Yearning for truth, closing my eyes
Shooting stars are burning out,
Forever faith replaced by doubt
Dirty mirror, am I blind?
Nothing to lose, nothing left to find
Salty pillow, worse every day
All little hope slipping away
Searching for a light so deperately
As tears fall softly, killing me.
I cry here broken, on my knees
My heart is open; hear my pleas
A sea of faces taunting me
For believing what I cannot see.
Your strive to lead me in Your light,
But still I falter, and I lose sight.
I have to cover the path I leave
For those around me don't believe.
My battle fought is all alone -
Me against the life I've known.
Desperate and dying, I pour out my soul
Your grace is all that can fill this hole.
Lord, my life is cutting thin
Forgetting all I believe in
Give me faith, and eyes to see
Remind me what You've done for me
Take this heart I've soaked in sin
Count the tears I'm drowning in
And wash away the crimson st
Darkness, Darkness +changed+ by daylightfading, literature
Literature
Darkness, Darkness +changed+
Dark black eyes
Suck me in
Swallow me whole
And slowly begin
Soothing, soothing
Invade my soul
Break me, crush me,
Take control
Deep and swirling,
Hypnotize
My skin caves in,
My spirit cries
Gentle, gentle,
I am numb
Embrace the darkness
That I've become.
Slow release,
Set me free
From the very last shreds
Of my sanity.
The purest pure
You expose
Beauty, beauty
The blackest rose
Turn out the lights
Turn your back
Set it on fire
Paint it black
Give into madness,
Most beautiful sin
Surrender, surrender
Breathe it in...
Dancing, dancing, around my bed,
Demons invade my sleep
Swirling nightmares sing their songs
And under my covers, I weep
Standing up and out the door
I do not hesitate
The steepest cliff is calling my name,
I know I've made it wait.
Approach the edge, anxiety
I silently close my eyes
The crushing waves consume my soul,
Drowning out my cries.
All at once, I take a step
And let go of my fears
To be washed away in a world of waves,
To taste salt without the tears
Falling.. falling…
It cuts me like a razorblade,
I instantly turn numb
Trying to stay above the surface
Of what my world's become
And now, I look around me
The sha
Crimson stains and razorblades
I'm all torn up inside
A love affair with faded roses,
Memories I can't give up
Where did I go so wrong?
Sunny days, my childhood
A pretty smile
Torn apart and dissipated
A heart ripped out by age
Every day, I pack my bags
Ready to be lifted up,
Ripped away from this hell
I welcome it
Death… come and set me free
Dizzy as my head is spinning
So much to run away from,
But nowhere to go
When finally I gather the courage
To open my eyes, to face the world
I find sight blurred,
Soft words slurred
Tears streaming down my cheeks…
Today, I surrender.
fading away with winter by daylightfading, literature
Literature
fading away with winter
As winter comes
My memory is buried with the flowers.
Discard my ashes as a candle is lit,
Tuck away my photograph,
And burn my precious poetry-
Every last word.
Obsessed with pain
And tortured by love,
I take one last breath.
One more day unnoticed,
And I'll disappear forever
Every day, I'm sinking deeper
Choking on the same stale tears
You will be the death of me
If you're not already.
You smile your smile
And clumsily, I stumble
Try to hide imperfections
But you know I'm just a fool
Your beauty tastes like poison
Laced with razorblades
Shards of glass caress my skin
Shattered dreams, desperate cries
Crimson trickles from my eyes
My wounds paint a picture
Spill my blood and connect the dots
My knees are skinned from begging
My throat is raw from crying
Look into my eyes
And br
I'd kill for you to breathe for me
Take me in your arms
Take me to the stars
Set my heart on fire,
Melt the shards of ice
Wrap the wounds I've caused myself
Steal my needles, hide my knives
This is my cry for help
I'm broken, broken, from all the pain
Drowning in tears,
Choking on blood
Watch me as I claw myself
Fingernails deep in porcelain skin
My flesh is crawling
I feel diseased
You reach to wipe away my tear
And watch my face
As it crumbles
Dust to dust,
Sealed with a tear,
Into the palm of your hand.
Seeking Salvation In Ink and by daylightfading, literature
Literature
Seeking Salvation In Ink and
I'm desperate to show you,
And this is my last resort...
Pull down the paintbox
Bright pastels, deep oils
Slash up a paper with my brush-
Make you understand
If I stand beside a mirror
And paint my own reflection
Will you finally see into me?
Spilling colors on concrete
Black eyes, bleeding hear
Shove it in your face,
Pry open your eyes with bleeding fingers
Pouring ink onto paper
My pencil, frantic,
Explain every emotion
While I choke back tears
Blunt and honest - FEEL MY PAIN
Read it in my words
See it in my strokes
I'll write you a thousand songs
To make you understand
I'll paint you a Picasso
And I'll seal it with a
I waited a half an hour to see if you'd get online
and now that you are I'm waiting 5 minutes
to greet you so I don't seem clingy or desperate.
Then you ask about my day followed by a sideways smiley face
colon: parenthesis)
And I make up something about a 2 mile walk-
when in reality all I did was watch back to back episodes
of Star Trek: Deep Space 9.
Then I sit back and wait because you seem to be typing an awful lot,
but in 5 minutes when I receive the message it's just the letters "L O L"
A secret code that means you have nothing interesting to say,
and neither do I but comfortable silence doesn't exist on the Internet.
So I
i swear to God
that i love mine as much as
you love yours and that
if i could find the words to say it,
i would. if i could
find the perfect words, if i could just
close my eyes and instead of thinking
i love him i love him i love him
think of something poetic and real and un-cliché,
just for a second,
i would. but
i am-he is-we are poetic,
real,
un-cliché
and i know it with all of me and i know he knows it
too and i know that i don't need to
write poems about him because he already knows,
he
What if Adam just plain lied
And Eve
with apple juice
Running down her chin
Just let it slide
Is the whole story a hoax
A different mother
than Mary
No father
Son
Holy Ghost
Was Lilith really all that bad
She just wanted to be free
The desert is hard on Mustangs
And her man was not handy
Was Mary really a virgin
did Joseph just herd the sheep
Did Mary feel passion
desire
her body eternally saved
..
last night I made a man
out of pillows and forgotten
fragments of clothes
we'd pushed into my drawers.
I held my pillow-man's hand
and made sure he wasn't too warm
because it is summer;
I'm on the second floor;
and that was always your
biggest complaint.
this morning I tried to shower
but would turn off the water and run
like a soapy dog, complete with
loyal tail wagging, to the door
thinking you'd come knocking.
You hadn't.
tomorrow will taste like
the food of a week ago
and I'll wear sunglasses,
which, if you know me,
(and you do)
will seem out of context
and like a little girl
playing dress up.
I know there are
Allegory of a Utopian Suicide by BuddahBum, literature
Literature
Allegory of a Utopian Suicide
Contained within the boundaries
of a small world, within the spherical
walls of an astronomical dome, there
exists a single female, amongst a small
civilization, of immense intelligence,
beauty, and innocence. Lola-Francesca's
facial features and physique were
comparable to that of a model yet
more closely related to that of an exotic
dream of Sicily; incidently Lola-Francesca
was unknowingly of Sicilian decent.
The world in which she lived was purely
a ficticious set about false perfection. Within
the walls of the dome everyone lived in harmony;
the cars had no locks, the doors had no locks, bikes
were rested along sto
Burning to live
and burning to feel
and burning to give to others
The cigarette exists
for that singular moment
of twice infinity
to be pursed between
it's lovers lips...
Waiting for a lover
of complete compatibility
and burning into the lungs
of lovers only met
for the formality of it all
You must burn for false lovers
before the true lover is found yes?
So I live my life
bereft of unconditional attachment
waiting to be inhaled
by the kiss of MY true lover
who will recognize
that I have been burning through life
for that one infinite moment...
That stupid fool is drunk again,
He had to much beer and vodka.
He keeps making me laugh.
He falls on the floor,
And I laugh harder.
He stands up and wables over to the bed.
He lays down next to me.
I tell him he smells,
So he sniffs his armpit,
And says, "Minty fresh!"
I laugh again.
He bends in to kiss me,
And I pull away.
"Not while your drunk!"
He lays back down,
And stares into my eyes,
Until he falls asleep peacefully,
In my arms.
well.
a return to DA has done me well.
adam, you're amazing, i missed you so much,
it's fantastic to have you back in my life.
i love you dearly.
thank you : ]
i'm moving out of my apartment in a couple weeks.
and at the end of march i'm moving back to ellensburg
to go back to college.
i have written two poems in the last week and a half or so
since my last journal entry,
which is quite an improvement
after going a year without writing anything at all.
i wrote (and submitted) yet another poem about aaron today,
the last one. the very last.
the last of about a hundred.
well anyway, this one was different.
every wor
i can't lie, i forgot all about DA.
until i woke up at 3 am desperately missing
an old friend
and i new i had to contact him.
adam, i miss you.
anyway.
welp. what is new.
love died, as love does.
so close to two years...
oh well.
as said.
love dies.
i haven't written a poetic phrase in a year.
i am awfully jaded.
my insides have nothing to give you.
i went to CWU and made it three months before i ODed on painkillers and ended up getting my stomach pumped and drinking ipikak in the ER until there was nothing left inside me but a few tubes and organs.
Needless to say, i moved back home.
from there i went through cosmetology sc
so i havent written one of these fuckers in a really long time.
hmmm.
things are amazing.
things with my amazing boyfriend are absolutely perfect .. our one-year is sneaking up on me : ]
i'm moving to college in two weeks, only 2 hours away but still.... i really don't mind leaving anyone but my boyfriend. i actually am excited to leave my friends. i know that's horrible. but like that song -- "i've lived in this place, and i know all the faces. each one is different, but they're always the same. they mean me no harm, but it's time that i face it -- they'll never allow me to change." yeah. i need to grow. and as long as i stay here, i'l